Made of Monday...

Needs...

I was reading a blog post from one of my favorite Etsy shops – I love window shopping there! She wrote about needing help and that she had never thought to ask for help, that it didn’t occur to her to ask or that anyone would help her. She went on to talk about the help she did have, that came unsolicited and had been beyond value to her. It struck me then that needing is hard and asking for help is even harder, and not just for me… I have been tossing this around in my head for awhile, not ready to commit it to paper or words, but I after the weekend I had, I feel compelled…now is the time.

Yes, I am needy sometimes…but to be honest we all have needs – not wants but needs, things that for whatever reason we can’t do for ourselves. That right there is what makes needing hard (for me anyway)…relying on others…needing them, giving them some of our control (real or perceived), being vulnerable and opening ourselves up to others’ judgments.

My family has been in the position of needing help –in many ways, but recently financially has been the greatest need. For me, it is hard to ask for help and hard to accept help, even when it is given unsolicited. I don’t want others to carry our burden. I don’t want others to feel obligated. I don’t want others to judge my – or our family’s – decisions.

We get tremendous help from my family…whether it is a box of groceries, clothes for the kids, a gift card to Target, or help securing school funding. We are truly blessed. Taking that help – even though we NEED it - has been heartbreaking. It is uncomfortable to be over 30 and still feel that child like dependence on others.

It is hard needing when we have so much. Truly, we are blessed, we aren’t going to starve – they might turn the lights off, but not this month…but before this time of need we did okay. We have a nice SUV and we have nice electronics – nothing over the top, but nice things we purchased when we had the means. I have some nice clothes from back in those days. It is hard to say we NEED, when it doesn’t always look like we do…but appearances can be deceiving.

We have been receiving help while my husband is in school and our income is less than minimal. I can tell you first hand the system of government assistance is humiliating and degrading. We have sought out and accepted help only for the children. I don’t know why anyone would want to live their entire life this way.  The change in the demeanor of the cashier at the store or the doctor in the ER, or nurse at the hospital when they see how we are paying is visible. Despite the fact we are both educated and my husband is pursuing a graduate degree, we are suddenly half human. Despite the fact that my children are clean and neatly dressed, I am suddenly less of a mother. I come home humiliated, broken and mentally and physically exhausted. 

I can only imagine what a lifetime of that feels like. I know that in a year or so we will be back on our feet. I know that we will return to earning and contributing. Knowing that doesn’t make the NEED now any easier.  I am working hard to understand what relying on God looks like and doing just that. Being responsible for a family makes that a true test of faith (a leap of faith most days…for me anyway).

So as this week starts, I ask this next time you interact with someone in need be generous of spirit - be kind. In a time of NEED simple kindness and compassion goes a long way.